Fourteen is gone. Aussie is gone. New Guitar French Speaking boy is gone.

Fuck. Me.

Decisions, Decisions: Part 2

So the whole boy thing has gotten a little less complicated. I think. Aussie and I have worked things out, and right now we’re just friends. He’s seeing another girl but he wants to break up with her, and is taking forever to do it. Fourteen left, and now he’s back again. We’re friends at the moment too, because I just plain don’t trust him. Which he understands. New Guitar Boy and I are on wonderful terms at the moment, and I was very surprised to learn just yesterday that he is fluent in French, which I LOVE. Right now, I’m with him. Fourteen and Aussie are friends. Just friends.

And I really hope that’s the way it stays.

Decisions, Decisions.

So here’s my dilemma. 

I have Fourteen. He’s charming, smart, funny, has strong family values, very driven in his pursuits, and I’ve known him the longest. He’s also had a breakdown, is far away, still has another year of school left before university, stubborn, not very affectionate, becomes introverted when he’s upset, and wants to “take it slow”. But he was the first boy I fell in love with. I’ve always felt that. A doesn’t count. That was a trivial, frivolous, petty little crush. 

Then there’s the new guitar boy. He’s very caring and understanding, he has a job (kinda), very affectionate which is something I really want, and he’s a musician. But he’s got a big chip on his shoulder about girls, has an unstable family, reminds me a LOT of A, and still has another year of school. But he’s the most affectionate out of the three boys, which is BIG bonus points. He makes me feel like he really wants me. 

Then my Aussie. He already has a stable and steady job, has an established life, is probably one of the most forgiving people I know, is also very caring and understanding, and is affectionate after being prodded a bit. But he lives in AUSTRALIA! Of all the places in the world, he lives in Australia. He doesn’t want to move here because yes, he has a job where he is now, and he just doesn’t really like the US, which I understand haha. But his job also has long hours, he won’t talk to me when he’s upset at all, and he doesn’t always make the effort to talk to me, but that’s sort of understandable with the time difference. 

So who do I choose? The first boy I fell in love with, the man who can provide the best future for me at the moment and who I truly do love, or the fresh faced new boy? 

Ugh.

No, Really…

I’m alive, I swear. 

 

Since my last post, I’ve graduated. I’ve stressed about college. I’ve moved in. I’ve gotten settled in college. Fourteen has also returned. I sent him an email telling him I was sorry for the way I left things with him and that I didn’t want it to end like that. He said he was starting to wonder if I was ever going to talk to him again. He then goes on to explain that he thought I just needed some time to myself. Which I probably did. We’re talking again. He says he loves me. That he never stopped loving me. I’m not too sure how I feel about that. I am still with the Aussie, and he’s been really sweet and good to me. So has this other guy I’ve sorta been seeing. All three of them know about each other, but not exactly details. 

I met up with the guy I got caught with the cops with too. We had some fun in a hotel room. I really enjoyed that. I wish I could have stayed loner. We might get together again, but I don’t know. None of my real boys know about him and it feels like cheating even though with ALL of them I’m technically single. Oh, and the parentals don’t know. Not that they would ever let me see him ANYWAY. Especially if they found out what we did. Or what I did to him, rather. It was fun. I’d like to see him again. 

Anyway, Fourteen confuses me, Aussie has been good but we don’t get a chance to talk that much anymore now that I’m at college (which is going fabulously) and this new guy says he’s in love with me and I really like him too, maybe even love him, but he reminds me so much of my ex. I don’t know if I can do that again Nothing against him, it’s really more of a personal issue that I have to work out. 

I don’t really know what to do at this point. I figured I’d just go along until someone demanded a change. One of the boys, probably. Fourteen hasn’t made any noises about becoming exclusive, Aussie says he wants me to see other boys while I’m here because he doesn’t want to be responsible for me missing opportunities. This new boy… I don’t have a name for him yet… He might demand something more permanent. We’ll see how that goes.

Back from the Dead

So, my last post was about Fourteen and how he was seeming distant. Turns out he had a reason. Another girl kissed him, he got confused about what he wanted, I was a train wreck when he told me, and he disappeared for two months. Long story short, after two months he comes back and tells me this whole long and involved story about how he had his own breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a month and a half. 

Do I believe it? Why would he lie about that? There’s too much detail for it to be fabricated. 

Do I think it’s the Red Flag of all Red Flags? Yes, of course. 

Does that change the way I feel about him? Not in the slightest. Which is kind of a problem. Because he’s gone again, saying that he doesn’t want to say he still loves me because that’s what got him in trouble in the first place. 

Ok, I can understand that. But can I live with knowing I would die for him, and not getting a good morning from him? I don’t think so. I doubt he can love me the way I love him. And I can’t do that. As much as I care about him, I can’t do that. 

 

SO… My plan to move on kinda failed. I met this guy, and we went to have a little fun in his car, three days before my 18th birthday. Again, long story short, we got caught by the cops, who called my parents and sent me home, and gave him a talking-to after sending him on his way. My parents were less than thrilled, needless to say. I was grounded through my birthday, which sucked ass. But I guess I deserved that one. 

The guys I’ve met since then, I’ve been lukewarm about. Then I meet the Australian. Mmmmm lovely. Really sweet guy, and I considered going to meet him. I’ve always wanted to see Sydney anyway. But again, the parents intercede and say they don’t want me traveling by myself until I’m a little older. Which I can understand, but it still sucks. My Aussie and I get along pretty well, easy conversation most of the time. He’s gotten a cold recently after being super stressed out at work, so he’s out of commission for a day or two. I don’t want to get with him like I was with Fourteen. I doubt I can feel like that about anyone again though. At least not for a very long time. But he’s sweet, very kind and respectful of me and my boundaries… I like him. I shouldn’t, but I do. I’ve tried to avoid getting into anything with anyone because I’m leaving for college in about four months. I don’t want to do the long distance thing, but with the Aussie it seems like that might be the only option. Assuming he’s alright with it and likes me enough in return to actually try it. But then again, I don’t want to start something with someone I’ve never exactly met in person. I feel bad saying that. I feel crazy for wanting someone like that. The old argument comes into my head, “HE COULD BE AN 80 YEAR OLD PERV IN MISSOURI WITH 20 CATS AND A RAP SHEET” but he’s not. Oh well. I dunno what I should do. 

Anyway, New Boy texted me the other day, telling me how upset he was that he lost his virginity to a girl on their first date. (Ironically, she’s Australian too.) He’s either really upset about it, or just wanted me to know that he was no longer a virgin. Which I could really care less about. He’s too emotionally unstable anyway. 

Graduation is in about 47 days, and I leave for college on August 20. Things seem to be coming up quickly. I want my Aussie. I need to know Fourteen’s alright, then I don’t know if I can have him in my life. New Boy’s just a hassle. Guy I Got Caught With The Cops By… well, he was just a fling. 

Crap. I dunno what I’m gonna do. Anyone willing to donate to my trip to Australia fund?

The Overactive Imagination

So Fourteen’s been sick for a while, and the fact that we haven’t been able to talk seems to be working it’s annoying little fingers on me. I don’t seem to be dealing with this very well, and that’s bad. I can’t get like this every time one of us has something else to do and we can’t talk. It just bothers me when we’re talking and then he just kinda leaves, whether it’s online or when he never responds to a text after he’s been texting me. I’m starting to feel like I like him more than he may like me, but then at the same time, when we talk about it, he always assures me that he’s much more into me than I am into him. He tells me things that he doesn’t talk about with anyone else, and the kinds of conversations that we have should help me remember how much he cares about me. But when it comes down to it, sometimes I just need a little reassurance from him. This already isn’t a sure thing as it is, and I want to make sure that it’s not falling apart and I just don’t see it. Losing him is the last thing I even want to think about right now. But he makes me crazy sometimes, by things he says, the way he’s too cryptic for his own good, and the fact that sometimes I just don’t get heartfelt responses out of him. It sometimes feels like he just doesn’t want to talk to me, which is fine once in a while, I understand that everyone needs their space once in a while.  But don’t carry on a conversation with me that are curt, one-word responses. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me wonder if he’s leading me on or if he’s met someone else, someone closer, or has just decided that a long distance relationship isn’t worth it, even though we’re not officially even IN a relationship. It’s just understood that we both have feelings for one another. But maybe that loophole of not actually being officially together is just that; a loophole. Maybe he’s found a way to get through that and hasn’t told me. Maybe I’m just overreacting, which is probably the case because I tend to do that a lot. 

But what if I’m not?

Fourteen

On the fourteenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me… 

Don’t worry, I’m not going to list off fourteen random things. I was talking about Fourteen, that new and better boy. I’ve been talking to him more and more (although not at the moment because he’s sick… I think it’s the flu, he insists he’s fine. Boys.) and I’ve been thinking a lot about him. (Prepare yourself for rambling. This is bound to get a little bouncing-from-topic-to-topic-y.) He’s told me things he says he’s never told anyone or hasn’t talked about in years. We’ve started using Skype for video chats, and I really recommend it by the way, it’s a great service. But the first chat I commented on how he doesn’t show a whole lot of emotion on his face… he’ll say things like “Hahaha like I haven’t heard THAT in a while” and yet he’ll look completely serious. I called him on it and he told me things that have contributed to his lack of facial expression. He said he’d try to be better for me, and he really has. He has such a beautiful smile too… I just love it. He’s really trying. He’s told me things that I cannot forget because it’s just so good for me to know and remember. I can’t try and change him… that’s his job, not mine. I don’t *want* to change him right now. I want to change the way he sees himself though. He’s very perfectionistic. He let me listen to a recording of a violin concerto he did with his school… it was absolutely incredible and yet he focuses on the two times he messes up in a song that’s over 11 minutes long! His family puts him to the test to be the best he can be, and I know he really internalizes it now. He pushes himself and I’m just afraid that he’ll push himself too far and too hard and end up in a very bad place. I don’t want him to get depressed when he can’t meet an impossibly high standard he’s set for himself. He says “I’m so bad at this… I screw up a lot.” Whatever “this” is, as we’re not technically together although it is understood that there is mutual feeling between us, he’s not bad at it by any stretch of the word. But he’s not perfect, and nobody is, but that’s what he focuses on. I’m trying to get him to relax a bit and see himself in a different light. 

I just can’t get him out of my head. I love talking to him… we have such good conversations. Not the normal chatter like “What’s your pet’s name”, although that does come up, it’s more of like “If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be and why?” and “If you started a religion, what would it be based on?”. And he tells me everything about himself because he doesn’t want me to fall for someone he’s not. And I do the same for him. He’s just different… I don’t understand the way he makes me feel, but I know I like it and I’m not about to give it up. 

We talk about Ireland a lot. For some reason we both want to go there, and we talk about going someday. I know he wants to take a year to travel Europe, but he also wants to go to a film school in Chicago although I’m not sure if he wants to travel before or after school. And during our video chats, I can practically see his mind spinning at a hundred miles an hour. That’s probably why he doesn’t sleep very much… his mind is always going. It’s so fun to talk to him and see what he has to say. I want to see him so much… it’s crazy how close we’ve gotten in a few months. I don’t know what this feeling is. Hell, maybe it’s love. 

I wouldn’t exactly be opposed to that.

Wow, Dormant Much?

Jesus Christ on roller skates, I’ve basically forgotten about this whole little doodad. Well, here goes a post for the first time in a long time then. 

NewBoy and I had a falling out (he ended up being a total ass to me, so I dropped him like a hot potato) and we only just tentatively started talking again. Tentatively as in, “hey how’s class” kinda thing. Nothing too heavy. He was telling me last night how his girlfriend (that he’s never met because she lives in flippin Canada) dumped him because he asked for “sexy pictures”. Good for her, I think. But he kept saying how he was devastated because she was the one and he was in love with her and how he wanted to die and blah blah blah. So I told him to feel better but I was going to bed, and I did just that. 

TapDancer, RockerChick and K and I have all gotten really close again. We’ve had great fun seeing Twilight in theaters, along with the Breaking Dawn release that I’ve already ranted about . We’ve been planning a road trip for just after graduation that should be oodles and oodles of fun, assuming the girls get their butts in gear and land some jobs! I’m currently the only one with a job right now, which will be interesting. But I’m putting out good vibes, so hopefully that will help! 

Cindy-Lou and her boy have been getting along fabulously too! They’ve just hit their six month mark, and I’m very happy for them. Speaking of Cindy-Lou, choir seems to be going well this year. We’re headed to Seattle for the competition in April, and I’m sure we’ll do well. 

I haven’t heard much from A or GamerGirl, and I’m only mentioning them in passing. That’s past me now . 

So, remember that guy who I said was the exact opposite of A? His name, fittingly, was Z? Well, I haven’t been talking to him a whole lot either, but when I do, it’s always easy conversation. It’s nice. He’s got a girl right now, and I’ve kindasortamaybealmost got a guy. Yeah… about him… I seem to gravitate towards guys who don’t even live in my state!! This guy’s from New Hampshire, and he is fourteen inches taller than me (!!!!) having him stand at 6′6″, and TayTay calls him Fourteen, so that is what he shall be known as on here. So Fourteen… He’s 16 (I feel like such a cradle robber! haha) so he’s a junior and I’m a senior… Um, he plays piano, violin, and he sings. Such a lovely combination. His voice studio does a musical every year, and this year they did The Phantom of the Opera, one of my all time favorites. And who was he? None other than the Phantom himself . I was basically ecstatic. He’s very sweet, although sometimes shy, and is one of the few guys I know who can hold an intelligent conversation. (AP classes *and* IB classes? whoo hoo!) Of course, I’m interested, and he is too, or so he’s told me. If only we were closer… Well, there are tentative plans for me to go out there ANYWAY this summer with my parents, so we might just toddle on over to Manchester for a little visit and see how it goes. 

So that’s just an update for now, I may rant about the Twilight movie later. Over all, three and a quarter stars out of five.

Hey Look, I’m Alice!

Remember how I said I had a dream about New Boy, and that he texted me from Europe? 

I got a text from him at 12:52 am last night. 

Randommmmm

Breaking Dawn: Part Two

So, I think I need to reread Breaking Dawn. After letting it sit in my head for a while, it’s grown on me. Despite the fact that Edward’s more wimpy (*cry*), Bella’s quite sex-crazed (o.o) and Jake’s just more prominent (*slight gag*) my perception of it now isn’t the same as it was right after I finished. So yes, rereading should be in my future. 

In other news, I had a dream about New Boy last night. He texted me, which hasn’t happened in a while because he’s “on vacation in Europe” (which frankly I don’t believe, but hey. Whatever floats your boat.) He isn’t supposed to be back for two months or something, and I don’t even really remember what he said to me in the dream, I just remember that he talked to me. Maybe it was the fact that I was sleeping on the floor with K, RockerChick and TapDancer. We had a get-together yesterday and last night. It was fun. 

Other than that, work ends soon (for the summer at least), school starts soon. I guess I’ll see how prepared I really am